Gems for Steve Wright

Gems from Steven Wright :

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us . . . Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 

3 - Half the people you know are below average. 

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 

19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good. 

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?